What’s up, Cincinnati Rollergirls Nation? It’s Tank, former head Cincinnati Rollergirls announcer turned bout preview writer. Just like in Brokeback Mountain when Donnie Darko said, “I wish I knew how to quit you,” I too still find myself watching roller derby even in my “retirement.” But you didn’t click the link to hear about me. You want to hear about this weekend, which is one of the biggest in Cincinnati Rollergirls history.

So why is this such a big weekend for the Cincinnati Rollergirls? Because for the first time in history, all five CRG-affiliated teams will be in action within the same 48-hour period. That’s right, the Black Sheep (WFTDA A team), Violent Lambs (B team), Flock Ewes (C/rookie team), Battering Rams (men’s team) and Cincinnati Junior Rollergirls will all be in action. The first four teams will be in Chicago, while the juniors will see action in Indianapolis. So let’s break down what the weekend means for each team.
Saturday night will see the Cincinnati Rollergirls’ Black Sheep and Violent Lambs locking horns with the Chicago Outift Syndicate and Shade Brigade. The Lambs vs. The Shade Brigade game will be interesting just for the sheer fact that it’s a B team game. If you are new to roller derby, the B team games are where the stars of tomorrow play today.
The Lambs have been a solid squad all year, but this team brings a lot of questions and excitement to the table. Veterans Flannery O’Slaughter and Garden of Beatin’ have earned themselves a place at the table, but what is even bigger news is the amount of rookies on this team including Dopplegangsta, I, Caramba, Ruthless Chris and Imma Tattooher, who just broke the one-year mark in the league. The future looks bright for the Lambs, but the question is, can all of these new cogs come together to keep the Lambs machine rolling forward in this game?
The Black Sheep and the Syndicate last crossed paths on June 2 at Brewhaha in Milwaukee. The Sheep, ranked 9th in the North Central region, upset the No. 5 Syndicate 119-139. Twenty points is a close game in the sport of roller derby, and the Syndicate have two advantages: This is a home game and the Sheep’s first game in more than a month. On top of this, the Sheep are missing two key players in Hannah Barbaric (on personal leave) and Nuk’em (who just recently returned to practice from a tib/fib fracture).
At the same time, the Outfit are still looking for skaters to fill the void that the departure of top players Sweet Mary Pain and Gaygan have left in their wake. Someone has to step up in this game and take command of the bout. If the Sheep win, they cement themselves in the middle of the North Central pack, but if they lose they will find themselves on the bottom of the top 10 teams in the North Central which could lead to a very disappointing North Central Regional appearance in Buffalo, New York (that’s right, Buffalo is in the Midwest now) later this year. The bottom line is, both of these teams need the win, but just like my Aunt Carla fighting my Aunt Crystal over the last slice of pizza on Memorial Day, only one can have it.
Sunday sees even more action hitting the flat track in not one but two states for the Cincinnati Rollergirls. The Flock Ewes (go ahead say it aloud, you know you want to), will be in action against the Outfit’s C team, the Shakedown. The Ewes have been a great addition to the team this year, as rookies have been able to get the most important thing they need in the early part of their career: Actual game play experience. Sprinkle in a few veterans with the rookies, and you have something very special. Cherry Choke is making an appearance in this game, and while she is a difference maker on any roster, having her out there on the floor with the rookies will be a huge advantage for them, and I guarantee that every one of them will walk away having learned something new. Ruthless Chris is definitely a rookie to watch in this game as she is quickly rising up the ranks. Just like Breaking Bad’s first season, we are starting to see that she is going to be something great.
What do you say we add some bacon on top of this derby sundae (seriously, you can put bacon on anything)? The Battering Rams, the Cincinnati men’s roller derby team, will scrimmage the Chicago Bruise Brothers on Sunday. What is interesting about this is these two very young teams are lead by former Harm City Homicide teammates Justice Feelgood Marshall and CRG head coach Quad Almighty, two of the oldest pillars of men’s derby. It will be interesting to see which team has learned more and is able to execute their game plan in such a short amount of time. If you haven’t watched men’s derby, I like to compare it to watching a monster truck rally on a NASCAR track. Is the game the same? Sort of. Is someone going to get crushed and is it going to be fun to watch? Hell yeah.
Finally, the Cincinnati Junior Rollergirls’ Level II (intermediate) and III (advanced) teams will be tearing up the flat track in Indianapolis on Sunday morning as they prep for their first regionals appearance in August. Indianapolis Junior Roller Derby has beaten Cincinnati’s junior team in a Level II scrimmage and a Level II game earlier this year, and this will mark the first time the Level III teams have faced each other.
For more information on the Cincinnati Rollergirls vs. Chicago Outfit double-header, visit www.chicagooutfitrollerderby.com.
For more information on the Cincinnati Junior Rollergirls vs. Indianapolis Junior Roller Derby games, visit www.indianapolisjuniorderby.com.
-Tank

Rosters

Cincinnati Black Sheep: Buckhead Betty 33 // Candy Kickass 32 // Cherry Choke 0 // June with a Cleaver 21 // Jungle Lacy 83 // K. Lethal 18 // Karma Krash 3 // Kitten Kicker 30 // Mirderher 44 // Penn Tupanga 77 // RailRoad 6 // Ruff’n the Passer 29 // Sk8r-Kinney 11 // Wheezy 43
Chicago Syndicate: Suzie Crotchrot // Helsa Wayton // The Joan Ranger // Kim Mortal // Lindiana Jones // Lola Blow // Lady K // Matza Ball Breaker // Pain Gwen // Queefer Sutherland // Silkk Assassin // Hero Shima // Smashley Destructo // Ivanna Schoop // Alternates: Claudia Van Damage, Valerie of the Dolls
Cincinnati Violent Lambs: Dopplegangsta 96 // Flannery O’Slaughter 17 // Garden of Beatin’ 16 // Godzillary 80 // Hot Slice 71 // I, Caramba 23 // Imma Tattooher 81 // Pistol Whippin’ Wendy 38 // Poppy Chulo 27 // Roxx Solid 74 // Ruthless Chris 5 // Sista Shovechild 2 // Susie Shinsplinski 51 // The Librarian 73 // Alternates: Cincy Psych-o 99 // Iona Pare 8
Chicago Shade Brigade: Jenergizer Bunny // SheBiscuit // The Big LeBekski // Claudia Van Damage // Dianasaurus Ross // Apostrofiend // Graves // Lemmy Destroyer // Lexistential Crisis // Rude E Huxtable // Scream Printer // Ivanna Schoop // Uma Bomber // Valerie of the Dolls // Alternates: 13th Floor Helevator, Sinsinnasty, Stiletto Nightmare
Cincinnati Flock Ewes: Annie Tomical // Big Ugly // Cherry Choke // Cincy Psych-o // Dopplegangsta // Eerie Sistable // Flannery O’Slaughter // Garden of Beatin’ // Iona Pare // Maul Cop // Pistol Whippin’ Wendy // Roller Mortis // Ruthless Chris // Sauci
Chicago Shakedown: Agony Andy // Brawly Shore // The Champ // Jane Flinch // Final Frontier // 13th Floor Helevator // Kelli KaPow // Loka In Motion // Sinsinnasty // Rude E Huxtable // Scream Printer // Stiletto Nightmare // Sneer and Loathing // Freudian Tripp// Alternates: The Big LeBekski, Flutter, Maimy Winehouse